As more days passed by, I felt that my love for him was turning into bitterness, then to hate. But then again, I could hate him so much because I loved him so much. And there’s still always a trace of tenderness and love when I think of him. And I miss him so bad. Everyday when I get home, I would cry. I would tell God how much I miss him.
Everyday when I wake up, he was the first thing I think about. And if he wasn’t the first thing, my thoughts would drift to him automatically. It was two weeks after, when I finally had the courage to delete all his saved messages on my phone, delete him as contact in the online community, delete him from chat, and delete his number. This is so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him whatever happens.
When he found out that I deleted him as contact in the online community, he immediately messaged me via chat and asked about it. By that time, I already had the option to spam him since he’s not in my contact list anymore. But I just stared at his message, and closed the message box.
I cried a little afterwards, and told myself to be strong.
It’s really very painful to erase someone just like that. As if your relationship never existed. But I know I had to eliminate everything that will make me hold on to the relationship and the person. I even hid the little stuff toy he gave me, but now I don’t know where it is.
The fact that I might have been used kept on haunting me. I know that you think I’m crazy to still feel optimistic about my case, when all evidences point to “Andy was used, big time.” When I do think that I was used, it helps me be numb and strong. And I feel wiser. But in fairness to him, I did feel his love genuinely. Even if it was only true for let’s say, a nano-second. I know it’s there and it existed, even just for a nano-second.
Another difficult thing that I experienced is that, deep inside I was still hoping we would communicate in the future—may it be two or three months after. But I fought hard to set my mind to really have nothing to do with this guy, and this helped a lot.
Nevertheless, I continued thinking lowly of myself. For a time I was convinced that I’ll never be number one to any ‘great’ man I choose to love, that I was bound to be second choice all the time. I felt inadequate and incomplete. I kept on looking for something to change in me, whether it was physical or character wise. The wave of insecurity almost drove me to insanity. It’s really a good thing I had friends to cheer me up and encourage me. My family was also there for me. Even if no one knew the details and the whole truth of the story, everyone I opened up to still encouraged me somehow.
It was three weeks after when I stopped crying everyday. Though it was so hard, I can see progress little by little. On the fourth week, I found myself not crying anymore, even after thinking about what happened. And on the fifth week, he wasn’t the first thing I think about after waking up, and my thoughts didn’t drift to him automatically.
What seems to be a stupid quote to me before now comes into light: “Love is blind.” As I have mentioned earlier, Zach has many characteristics that are unlikeable and yet I overlooked all of them and just saw Zach as a perfect person. No wonder in Britain, they say ‘to me, you’re perfect’ as equal to saying ‘I love you.’ Now that I was looking from the outside of the picture, I realized that I really did stoop down because I deserved much, much better.
Before, I had a very red and energetic heart. Now, all I have is a black tangled heart. When I look at Zach, I also see a black tangled heart. Because he could do this behind his girlfriend, without conscience sinking in. I wonder if he has the capacity to love an honest love? I wouldn’t know.
Unexpectedly 6 weeks after breaking up, we passed by each other in the cafeteria. My heart beat fast, and I thought I was going to break down. But after calling my sister on the phone and being reminded to stay strong, I was able to calm down immediately. Zach sent a quote via SMS an hour after our encounter. Because I deleted his number, I replied to ask who it was. “It’s Zach,” he replied. I didn’t message back; and after a long contemplation and with tears in my eyes, I deleted his message along with his number.
If I had the chance to talk to Zach via psychic ability (since there’s no way I would communicate with him physically), I would say: “What you did was wrong, but what I did was wrong AND stupid.”
I started building myself little by little. If before I feel like I could die and that’ll be alright, now I want to live again. I want to be a better person, I want to rise from my black tangled heart. It sounds cliché, but I cannot think anymore of a better way to describe how I want to start all over again. Yes, I prayed to God to give me a new life. I know that I didn’t deserve any mercy from him after what I did, but there’s no one else I could turn to. And I hear that God’s heart is open to those who put their trust on him. I know that I didn’t deserve any second chance after my stupid decisions, but I’m desperate to move on. In the movie the Freshman, the protagonist said that there’s a kind of freedom when you’re all screwed up, because things cannot get any worse. And at some point in this whole ordeal, I felt that things couldn’t get any worse.
I admit that there a lot of times I want to go back to him, to the deed. Because really, as long as I don’t get hurt with the kind of relationship that we have, and as long as we keep it a secret—then there will be no unwanted consequences; and we will get the benefits of doing the activity regularly. What benefit, dear readers you may ask. Once, a Japanese studies major told me that for Japanese people, their concept of sex is a need that has to be satisfied. For a while I tried to nurture this concept as my own. And I think this is another factor why I kept on coming back to him, after the many attempts to break it.
But after looking at things with reason, I realized that it was not true. That people have the power to choose honor and righteousness over the desire to have sex. The greater battle lies in choosing honor and righteousness over being someone you love.
If I regret everything? Well, yes and no. Yes, because there were lots of wasted time crying and thinking pointless thoughts of self pity. My emotional batteries got drained big time, I had to use up resources to recharge them again. I missed opportunities at work, and being friends with other people because I focused on this one person. But still, the whole experience taught me a very valuable lesson: that in love, everyone has the right to be number one—and the only one. And if you feel like your humanity is already being compromised, you have the choice to leave the relationship and be free.
I kind of still hate Zach for the seduction and the fact that he knew better, yet he still chose to present the option for a secret sex life to an obviously naïve girl like me. He told me before that there’s a big tendency that I’m going to get hurt—but how come he didn’t control himself? I know that he already knew I had feelings for him, as early as when we were just plain buddies; and it was clear that he took advantage of that. He realized that I liked him especially when I greeted him on his birthday at 12 midnight. It was really selfish of him.
And yet I could not blame him fully because I also took part in every chapter of this story. I wasn’t passive; I was also active in seeking him, in desiring him. But the way he wanted me as a second woman, is something I cannot accept. I won’t allow any man to make me feel less than any other woman.
When Eve asked Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, they didn’t know the gravity of the consequence they just knew it was a forbidden act, but a truly tempting offer. In the same way when Andy was offered