Feeds:
Posts
Comments

As more days passed by, I felt that my love for him was turning into bitterness, then to hate. But then again, I could hate him so much because I loved him so much. And there’s still always a trace of tenderness and love when I think of him. And I miss him so bad. Everyday when I get home, I would cry. I would tell God how much I miss him.

Everyday when I wake up, he was the first thing I think about. And if he wasn’t the first thing, my thoughts would drift to him automatically. It was two weeks after, when I finally had the courage to delete all his saved messages on my phone, delete him as contact in the online community, delete him from chat, and delete his number. This is so I wouldn’t be tempted to contact him whatever happens.

When he found out that I deleted him as contact in the online community, he immediately messaged me via chat and asked about it. By that time, I already had the option to spam him since he’s not in my contact list anymore. But I just stared at his message, and closed the message box.

I cried a little afterwards, and told myself to be strong.

It’s really very painful to erase someone just like that. As if your relationship never existed. But I know I had to eliminate everything that will make me hold on to the relationship and the person. I even hid the little stuff toy he gave me, but now I don’t know where it is.

The fact that I might have been used kept on haunting me. I know that you think I’m crazy to still feel optimistic about my case, when all evidences point to “Andy was used, big time.” When I do think that I was used, it helps me be numb and strong. And I feel wiser. But in fairness to him, I did feel his love genuinely. Even if it was only true for let’s say, a nano-second. I know it’s there and it existed, even just for a nano-second.

Another difficult thing that I experienced is that, deep inside I was still hoping we would communicate in the future—may it be two or three months after. But I fought hard to set my mind to really have nothing to do with this guy, and this helped a lot.

Nevertheless, I continued thinking lowly of myself. For a time I was convinced that I’ll never be number one to any ‘great’ man I choose to love, that I was bound to be second choice all the time. I felt inadequate and incomplete. I kept on looking for something to change in me, whether it was physical or character wise. The wave of insecurity almost drove me to insanity. It’s really a good thing I had friends to cheer me up and encourage me. My family was also there for me. Even if no one knew the details and the whole truth of the story, everyone I opened up to still encouraged me somehow.

It was three weeks after when I stopped crying everyday. Though it was so hard, I can see progress little by little. On the fourth week, I found myself not crying anymore, even after thinking about what happened. And on the fifth week, he wasn’t the first thing I think about after waking up, and my thoughts didn’t drift to him automatically.

What seems to be a stupid quote to me before now comes into light: “Love is blind.” As I have mentioned earlier, Zach has many characteristics that are unlikeable and yet I overlooked all of them and just saw Zach as a perfect person. No wonder in Britain, they say ‘to me, you’re perfect’ as equal to saying ‘I love you.’ Now that I was looking from the outside of the picture, I realized that I really did stoop down because I deserved much, much better.

Before, I had a very red and energetic heart. Now, all I have is a black tangled heart. When I look at Zach, I also see a black tangled heart. Because he could do this behind his girlfriend, without conscience sinking in. I wonder if he has the capacity to love an honest love? I wouldn’t know.

Unexpectedly 6 weeks after breaking up, we passed by each other in the cafeteria. My heart beat fast, and I thought I was going to break down. But after calling my sister on the phone and being reminded to stay strong, I was able to calm down immediately. Zach sent a quote via SMS an hour after our encounter. Because I deleted his number, I replied to ask who it was. “It’s Zach,” he replied. I didn’t message back; and after a long contemplation and with tears in my eyes, I deleted his message along with his number.

If I had the chance to talk to Zach via psychic ability (since there’s no way I would communicate with him physically), I would say: “What you did was wrong, but what I did was wrong AND stupid.”

I started building myself little by little. If before I feel like I could die and that’ll be alright, now I want to live again. I want to be a better person, I want to rise from my black tangled heart. It sounds cliché, but I cannot think anymore of a better way to describe how I want to start all over again. Yes, I prayed to God to give me a new life. I know that I didn’t deserve any mercy from him after what I did, but there’s no one else I could turn to. And I hear that God’s heart is open to those who put their trust on him. I know that I didn’t deserve any second chance after my stupid decisions, but I’m desperate to move on. In the movie the Freshman, the protagonist said that there’s a kind of freedom when you’re all screwed up, because things cannot get any worse. And at some point in this whole ordeal, I felt that things couldn’t get any worse.

I admit that there a lot of times I want to go back to him, to the deed. Because really, as long as I don’t get hurt with the kind of relationship that we have, and as long as we keep it a secret—then there will be no unwanted consequences; and we will get the benefits of doing the activity regularly. What benefit, dear readers you may ask. Once, a Japanese studies major told me that for Japanese people, their concept of sex is a need that has to be satisfied. For a while I tried to nurture this concept as my own. And I think this is another factor why I kept on coming back to him, after the many attempts to break it.

But after looking at things with reason, I realized that it was not true. That people have the power to choose honor and righteousness over the desire to have sex. The greater battle lies in choosing honor and righteousness over being someone you love.

If I regret everything? Well, yes and no. Yes, because there were lots of wasted time crying and thinking pointless thoughts of self pity. My emotional batteries got drained big time, I had to use up resources to recharge them again. I missed opportunities at work, and being friends with other people because I focused on this one person. But still, the whole experience taught me a very valuable lesson: that in love, everyone has the right to be number one—and the only one. And if you feel like your humanity is already being compromised, you have the choice to leave the relationship and be free.

I kind of still hate Zach for the seduction and the fact that he knew better, yet he still chose to present the option for a secret sex life to an obviously naïve girl like me. He told me before that there’s a big tendency that I’m going to get hurt—but how come he didn’t control himself? I know that he already knew I had feelings for him, as early as when we were just plain buddies; and it was clear that he took advantage of that. He realized that I liked him especially when I greeted him on his birthday at 12 midnight. It was really selfish of him.

And yet I could not blame him fully because I also took part in every chapter of this story. I wasn’t passive; I was also active in seeking him, in desiring him. But the way he wanted me as a second woman, is something I cannot accept. I won’t allow any man to make me feel less than any other woman.

End note

When Eve asked Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, they didn’t know the gravity of the consequence they just knew it was a forbidden act, but a truly tempting offer. In the same way when Andy was offered

Advertisements

After we parted he bombarded me with text messages saying he’s glad we’re still friends, after all that happened. Even if it wasn’t true, for the sake of saving myself from all the disgrace I exposed to him today, I told him that my love for him is starting to be converted from romantic to platonic. Then he said he also loves me in a way that transcends the romantic. He repeated his words earlier saying how much he cares for me, and it pains him that I’m hurting because of him.

For the rest of the evening I had peace with the settlement we had. But the next morning after I realized that he cannot be mine, I broke down and didn’t know what to do. I had no one else to talk to so I sent Zach a message saying I was breaking down. He was still sleeping so I texted my other friends. They replied, saying that even if they don’t know what happened, they support me in what I’m going through.

It was nearing noon when Zach replied. He said that we’re doing this for the best, and he knows I’m strong. He asked me where I was, and I told him I have plans of going out with my close friends that day. I purposely planned that day when I planned to break up with him yesterday. I setup activities to distract me.

When I told Zach I was going to a friend’s house, he asked whether it was a guy or a girl, and how many were coming. He also asked if we are going to be home alone. Obviously, he was concerned whether I’ll be alone with a guy.

For the next few days, Zach still texted me regularly in the morning, noon and at night before going to bed. He would inform me when he got to the office, and when he left the office, etc. But all those time, I never initiated any conversation. Then on the fourth day, I finally mustered all my strength to tell him to stop communicating for a while, maybe for three weeks or one month. He said that if this will help, he will support me. But he asked for assurance that I will go back to him when I’m okay already. I said yes.

The truth is I lied. I didn’t have the intention to contact him afterwards. Well, at least I was 90% sure that this is what I want. I just said 3 weeks to a month, so that I won’t hear him reasoning out anymore. Coz if I said it might be never, I’m sure he will say again, “our friendship is what matters, etc.” Well I say, “f*ck the friendship.” We can never be friends in what? One or two-years time? Well at least I can never see you as friend; you’ll either going to be a lover or an enemy to me.

 

The following weeks were hell for me. To keep my thoughts busy, I joined a lot of office activities after work, I invited my friends out. I was spending a lot just to get myself entertained. There was a time I broke down really hard, I didn’t know if I can still go on living. And my sister, who was also my roommate witnessed this. By the time, I already admitted everything to her. At first she was in the “See I told you so” tone. I already told her before that I was getting close to a guy who already has a girlfriend, and she warned me to stay away, early on.

But when she saw me in a very miserable state, crying nonstop, she just hugged me and cried with me.

“Sis, I was clearly in the wrong,” I said repeatedly while sobbing. “I made the biggest mistake of my life, when I decided to fool around with him. But the hardest part is, I still love him and I miss him so bad.” My sister and I went out for a weekend to shop, watch movies and try out expensive restaurants. If I would add all my expenses just to get over this guy, it would amount to a whole lot.

It was difficult for me to forget everything, hence this blog. Everyday, scenes from our days together would repeat cruelly in my mind. It was torture, I couldn’t control my thoughts. They will always find a way to him and his girlfriend.

The saddest part is I still felt really insecure about his girlfriend. I compared myself to her. I hated her. I thought ill of her. If thoughts could kill, both of them would have been dead by now. But this girl, I never knew her personally.

I admit it to the world, that I loved Zach very much. There were a lot of times that it hurt me physically when Zach gets rough in bed. But when I see the expression of enjoyment in his face, I just bear the pain and pretend I’m enjoying too. That’s how much I loved him. I would have done anything he said or wanted. Good thing I still loved myself a little more than I loved him.

I loved him to the point I was willing to have his baby even if he doesn’t want to marry me. Sometimes I pretend that I’m pregnant with Zach’s baby. Looking back now, it was so pathetic. But if I did get pregnant with his baby, I will raise the child on my own without his presence and support. And this child will grow up normal and strong.

Zach wants to meet up. I told him I didn’t want to, but I have a favor to ask. In chat, we talked about this favor of mine.

Andy: it is exactly August 1 today

Andy: i waited for it

Andy: but we still have different views on sex

Andy: i cannot accept it

Andy: that sex is just sex

Zach: yeah, i agree with you on that one

Andy: and i think, this is the main

Andy: reason for my depression

Andy: i was trying to condition myself

Andy: to think that sex is just sex

Andy: but for me it really wasn’t

Andy: and after realizing

Andy: what i have done

Zach: Yeah i understand… That’s why i am really hesitant at first remember?

Andy: that i had sex with someone else’s boyfriend

Andy: i’m feeling really low

Andy: and sad right now 😦

Andy: and cannot accept myself

Andy: 😦

Andy: and i would like to admit to you right now, as i just realize this also during the past few days

Andy: that i had sex with you, not just because im horny, but because out of love…:(

Zach: Aww…

Andy: so this relationship really cannot work…

Andy: because to you im just a fuck buddy/friend

Zach: Of course not!

Andy: then what am i

Andy: ?

Zach: As i told you, i value more of the friendship.

Zach: Its in the letter

Andy: okay

Andy: anyway, i don’t want to argue about that

Andy: my request is

Andy: even if it’s just between the two of us

Andy: i think, it will help me accept myself, and move on

Andy: my request is, for the span of time that we were having sex

Andy: i’d like to think that you were my boyfriend

Andy: that i wasn’t doing it,

Andy: with someone who does not mean anything to me

Zach: Yes, i understand…

Zach: Me too.

Andy: so whenever i go back to the memory

Zach: Honestly, I have feelings for you too.

official

Andy: i’d think, that my first time

Andy: i did it with my boyfriend

Andy: 😦

Andy: im crying…..

Andy: so for the record

Zach: Huggssss….

Andy: it wouldn’t be as painful

Andy: because whenever i think

Andy: that i was doing it, for no reason and sex is just sex

Andy: my chest hurts so much

Andy: i could throw up, and my heart would come out 😦

Zach: Do you want to meet up and talk?

Andy: hmm..

Andy: no

Zach: I do understand the feeling. I am really cautious of it.

Andy: that’s why my request is

Andy: or rather just an fyi

Andy: whether you accept it or not

Andy: for the record

Andy: for the span of time (3months)

Andy: i consider you a boyfriend 😦

Andy: how pathetic…..

Andy: 😦

Andy: i meant, im so pathetic

Zach: Of course i accept. We were as if we were really dating in the past 3 months

Zach: No your not ok?

Andy: no, let’s not meet up…

Andy: coz, if we meet

Andy: ill depend on you

Andy: for comfort

Zach: even as a friend?

Zach: As i told you in the letter, let me.

Andy: im thinking about it…

Zach: At least i can hug you for the last time.

Zach: I value our friendship Andy.

Zach: Actually, you are more than a friend to me.

Zach: So can i meet u?

Andy: okay…what time?

Zach: Hmm…

Zach: 4pm?

Andy: okay…

Zach: I plan to wake up first and clean my room.

Andy: okay..

Andy: i plan to sleep more

Zach: Hehe ok

Zach: Mwah~

Andy: mwah~

Andy: im going back to bed now….

Zach: Ok. See you later then.

Andy: see you at 4pm

Zach: Mwah~

Andy: mwah~

I just begged Zach to make it official that we were boyfriend and girlfriend during the span of time we were doing it. I know how pathetic that is—but I know it will help me accept everything that has happened. That evening, we had dinner and then headed towards Starbucks to talk. We always hugged and kissed whenever we got in the car. He was smoking a chain of cigarettes while we talk, and while we drink our coffee.

“I’m a people pleaser and I gave in to please you, when you said you wanted me to text you all the time,” Zach said. “But instead of making you happy, this had hurt you more. You know that I also have feelings for you, I care for you and it pains me that I’m the reason of your pain.”

I was quiet for a while then I muttered, “Your girlfriend…you treat her like a princess, am I right?”

Zach nodded somehow.

“Well, I want to be treated like a princess too. I want to go out with you, watch movies together, and do other things together openly. But this is impossible because I’m not your girlfriend. And it hurts me so much.”

Zach continued smoking cigarettes. He was holding and caressing my hand tightly.

“Since we already have feelings for each other,” I said, “this relationship is impossible.” Tears formed in my eyes.

We stayed quiet for a while. Then he said, “I will admit something to you. Long time ago I had a girlfriend. I had a good relationship with her and her family. However, there came a time our relationship was on the rocks.”

He puffed a smoke. “Now, another girl came along and we thought we fell in love. This girl she asked me to break up with my girlfriend, and without thinking I left my girlfriend for that other girl. But after being a couple, this girl said to me: ‘Let’s break up. Actually, I do not love you. I just wanted to see whether you will break up with her for me. I’m sorry.’” Zach paused. “Imagine how I felt that time. I was so stupid. I lost my girlfriend, her family and this other girl as well. So the loser was actually me in the end.”

I fought back the tears. So what is this? What am I to you?  Some sort of way to bring back your ego, or get revenge on this girl who tricked you?

“Do you want me, to break up with my girlfriend?” Zach asked.

I thought over his question. What does he want me to say? Of course I want him for myself. But if I say yes and he says no, then I’ll get embarrassed and I lose. Then again, is he testing me with that story?

“No I don’t want you to break up with her,” I said boldly. “Because if you break up with her and be with me but afterwards realize that you’re still in love with her, then I’ll get hurt even more.” I started sobbing harder.

“I know that you wouldn’t want me to,” Zach said, his eyes also starting to get wet. Then he said, “Sometimes, people think they already found the best. But then, a better one comes along. Just like in cellular phones. People would desire a certain model, but after a while a new model will come along and they would say, ‘I should have bought that newer model.’”

“So what is my relevance to that analogy? Which cellular phone am I, the old or new?” I asked.

“No, it’s not you. The cellular phone refers to me. Maybe for now you think that I’m the best guy for you. But better guys will come your way, for sure.”

I hated Zach. I love him and hate him at the same time. He’s already shooing me away. For the record, I’ll make sure that I’m the one who’s breaking up with him.

“Regarding my request,” I said, “I think the reason why I’m having a hard time is that I cannot accept myself, after what I’ve done. I just cannot accept that my first time was with someone unspecial. That’s why whether you like it or not, I’d think that for my first time, I did it with my boyfriend.”

“Of course I would like to think that too.”

“Then it’s official, between the two of us. For the span of 3 months that we were doing it it’s official that we were boyfriend and girlfriend,” I said.

“Yes I agree,” he said.

“It’s weird though. We made it official and then I broke up with you all on the same day.”

“You can make it one year if you want,” Zach said dearly. I didn’t know what he meant by that, whether he wants to consider the months we were plain friends before that or he was requesting for an extension of this relationship.

“As I said, you are smart, funny and nice to talk to. Plus, you’re so pretty and sexy. I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t desire. You’re admirable, crushable and adorable the way you are. Just always smile.” By that time, Zach was already stroking my hand like the last time. His expression was the same when he wanted to have sex with me after we went to Hooters. He led my hand to brush on his thigh, as if playing innocently.

I pretended to be oblivious of his moves. I just smiled at him and placed my hand on his cheek. He kissed my hand softly a couple of times. “I need to go to the washroom,” I said. I left my phone on the table purposely, carefully remembering its position on the table. I headed towards the washroom. I thought about whether he will peek at my phone or not. I distinctly told him never to read my inbox. I’ll see if I could trust him. I hurried back.

After arriving at our table, my phone was nowhere in sight. Zach looked surprised, as if he was hiding something under the table. “It’s my turn to go,” he said. He passed before me and covered me so I wouldn’t see the table. After he passed, my phone was back on the table. I didn’t know how I should feel about what he did. He obviously was trying to spy on me. I don’t know if he really deserved my trust.  Why does he want to know who I’m talking to? Is he afraid I was replacing him with another man?

We got back in the car and hugged. Then he drove me home. While driving, I held his arm not to seduce him but as if to say my last good bye. In return, he stroked my leg. “Can you massage my neck?” he asked. I gently pressed his neck with my fingers while he drove. After arriving at my doorstep we kissed for the last time. He inserted his tongue in my mouth. “This is our last kiss,” I said. “After this we can’t kiss anymore.”

“But we can still hug right?” he asked. I said, “Well, I don’t know.” I hugged his stomach and started sobbing. Zach caressed me, “Don’t cry, remember we are doing this for the better” he said. His voice was shaky and sounded like he was also about to break into tears. “I’ll always be right here for you. I won’t go anywhere.” I continued sobbing, his arms wrapped around me.

“I wish this moment will never end,” I said.

“Me too.” Zach said quietly.

Haller 🙂

I’m guessing you’re surprised after seeing another letter from me. I’m so old-fashioned and childish to use letters instead of discussing things personally. Because you know, I was never good at discussions or arguments and always end up agreeing na lang with the other person (well, except at work).

Anyway, remember I told you that I will make my last and final decision in August? Well, here goes…

I think the sign came when I got to stand in front of Stephanie for 3 hours last Tuesday during our last gig at Ponti. Standing in front of her for 3 hours made me realize a lot of things. To sum up those realizations I’ll just give you my final decision: let’s stop.

I deserve better than being told, “my girlfriend comes first” or “please don’t text me when I’m with my girlfriend” or “sex is just sex” right to my face. I deserve a lot better than that, and to think that I put up with that for more than 3 months is just plain stupid.

Don’t worry I’m not mad, like I was before. 🙂 I already learned that being mad was never effective in settling things. And I won’t ask to stop communicating. I mean, I value the friendship as much as you do. However, I ask that we should not meet for a while to help cool things down.

Remember how we were before these things happened? When we were just plain aikido buddies and band-mates? I would love to go back to those days…when I don’t cry everyday, and my chest does not hurt, when I don’t think low of myself…

You don’t have to text me where you are and when you get home already. In the same way, I won’t greet you every morning because you are one of first things I think about when I wake up. You can still text me or chat me whenever you feel like it. And you are welcome to call me if you’re feeling down…

I will always cheer for you with your work and I will always think you are great…Maybe I will visit you in Belgium someday…I will play the violin at your wedding if you like…And I will always think you are the best drummer in the world. 🙂

I know you care enough to not try to change my mind. After reading this, I suggest that you don’t call. Just text me or write a letter back, I will really appreciate it. 🙂

Till we meet again po~
My last and sweetest kiss, mwah~

Andy

letter-2

After sending the letter, Zach didn’t call but he messaged via phone. He told me he replied to my email.

I totally agree with you… You deserve a lot better, you’re very smart, sweet, kind, funny, nice to talk to, talented, pretty, sexy. And I am very lucky to have you as a friend and I will always cherish that. 🙂

At first before we did it, I am really hesitant because there is a strong possibility to lead to this, and the worst thing that could happen is to lose a friend like you. And I’m very thankful that I won’t. 🙂

Sex is just sex yes, but I believe it’s a really different perspective from a male or female. It’s really a different thing, I can attest to that. They say that male and female are totally different beings.

Yes, I do remember how we were before and I do not want that to change. I just wish when you cry everyday, I am there for you, when your chest hurts I’m there to give you a hug, but unfortunately it was me who was inflicting that unknowingly… 😦

Thank you for appreciating my worth, thank you for being there for me, thank you for everything really. I wish I could return the favor. Let me… 🙂

I care for you a lot and will not change your mind ok?

Never will I do that, I am always for what is best for my friends, I am always here for what is best for you ok? 🙂

I always feel the need to please everybody, and I always end up hurting people, hurting you… I gave in to please you, but in the end I only caused so much pain. 😦 I will make up for this.

Sorry I am not that good in writing than I am in talking, I just wish I could hug you for the last time just so you know my friendship is true and sincere. Friends forever. 🙂

Mwahuggss…

Zach

When we had the opportunity to talk personally, I told him my reasons why I want him to talk to me, or at least message me every now and then.

“Whenever I’m not with you, thoughts that what we’re doing is wrong flood my head. I mean, I’m having sex with somebody else’s boyfriend and I feel very low. But when you talk to me, I feel secure and I feel that everything is all right.”
“But I don’t want to hear statements that sound like I’m taking advantage of you.”

I kept silent for a while. “Maybe you are right. Maybe it’s getting unhealthy for me and we should stop,” I said.
“It’s not that I want to stop…” he muttered.

A mental smile formed in my head. Obviously, sex was his weakness.
“Okay, then here’s what we can do. If I have another psycho bitch episode starting tomorrow, that would be the signal that we should stop. But for now, I don’t want you to go.” I hugged is arm. He touched my leg gently.
“Are you feeling horny?” he asked.
“Yes.”

We headed to a motel after the conversation. Funny how automatic that is. Last time we did it, we decided that I should get a shave down there. He brought a shaver with him that time (I’m always amazed how prepared he is). We took a shower together and he shaved me, because I told him that I didn’t know how to do it myself. And since he treats me like a baby and tolerates my spoiled-brat attitude, this came with the package.

We had a great time. I noticed that I’m getting more and more used to sex (there’s no bleeding anymore). Although I still feel the sting when we do it the second time around. And I learned to be very good at being in control of the pace. I know I please him very well. Remember I mentioned that I excel in everything I put my heart into? Sex is one example.

But even if it seems we’re very happy together, I get more and more depressed when I’m left alone. Because when we’re apart, he gets to be with his girlfriend, and I get to be with no one. The setup is really unfair. Even if I wanted to love him unconditionally, I couldn’t stop from feeling the disadvantages of the relationship. I started to have ill-feelings towards his girlfriend, even if I don’t know her personally. I compared myself to her, thought she was ugly, and basically be insecure against her. That bitch, I want to poison her!

Meanwhile, on the more wholesome side of this relationship, we succeeded in gathering the band to play together again. We found a place to showcase our band, and we prepared for it. I was thinking that Zach would bring his girlfriend to the show. But I also hope that he would avoid doing that since he doesn’t want me to get jealous.

But unfortunately, he disregarded my feelings and still brought Stephanie with him to the show. Since the drum set is located at the back, I stood in between Zach and his girlfriend for two hours of the show.

It felt like my beating heart was taken out and stabbed in front of me, until it was unresponsive anymore. I had to prevent myself from collapsing right on the spot.

I think Zach noticed this, and he approached me quietly to ask if I was okay. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” I said. His girlfriend looked stupid, unsuspicious of what we’re doing behind her back. I hated them both. It was a good thing I didn’t breakdown right then and there—it would have been very embarrassing. I held my composure until the last minute of the show and then went home.

His girlfriend, she’s pretty, I thought. And she’s glowing as if she’s much in love. Right then I felt sorry for his girlfriend. This girl, she hasn’t done anything wrong against me and yet I do her wrong. I wanted to say sorry personally but I know this would be very stupid.

I was already thinking of breaking up with Zach. I just felt like I don’t have the energy to fight anymore. I just can’t take anymore blows. I have reached my limit, and so did my conscience.

Right after the gig, Zach asked me to go out. It was already 2AM and I said “I can’t because my sister will get suspicious.” I knew he wanted to talk about what happened in the gig. He called me to convince me to go out, and I explained that my sister is still awake and would catch me going out, 2 AM in the morning. After we hung up, I messaged him but he didn’t reply for quite sometime. Then I decided to message him: “I’m so tired of this game.”

When he got the message he asked if he can call. I said “Let’s talk about it another time.” But he still called and I couldn’t explain anything. I sensed that he was worried. Well he should be, because I’ve decided to break up with him soon.

And I would do this through another letter. But it will not be a bitter one. If I try to reason out with him, I’ll just end up losing. So I’m going to make it appear that I’ll still be in touch. Then little by little I will drift away from him. That was my plan.

Chapter 11. Car

We decided to make our band, Time Out alive again. Zach and I planned to have a get together with Billy and the others to practice. We practiced in the same studio where we first met. After practicing with them, I’ll be having another practice session with my other band (I have three bands in total, but not all are active). In between the two sessions, Zach and I did it in his car in the basement parking lot. Actually, I had no plans of doing it in his car since it was too…weird. But then again Zach has fetish for places.

First we made out and played. Then he asked me to ride him over the driver’s seat. He reclined the seat and I sat on top of him. The tint of his car was dark, and luckily nobody passed by. Because I was tall, my head kept on bumping the roof all throughout.

Afterwards, he asked me how the sex was. I told him it was not satisfying. My head bumped on the roof a lot. I didn’t reach orgasm. I asked if we could meet afterwards. He said, he already has an appointment with his girlfriend. I almost broke into tears, but fought hard. He did wait for me after practice and took me home before going to his girlfriend. When I was alone at home I cried. Day by day it was getting harder to fight against the realization that Zach cannot be there for me all the time.

Next day he asked if we could meet again. He wanted to satisfy me because I didn’t come the other day. I agreed to meet him and he fetched me. Right after reaching the bed he kissed me hard. We did it hard. There was a bath tub in the motel and we played there as well. He asked me to sit down on the bath tub rim. He got on his knees and gave me oral sex. I did the same with him.

After our first round, we watched the news as I hugged him from behind. His sister was a showbiz personality and was in the news. We also watched Sponge Bob (only because it was my favorite and I told him not to switch channels). Then he started fingering me while vibrating his hand. He vibrated his hand and it was pleasurable and painful at the same time. He did it so hard I had to ask him to stop. But he didn’t immediately stop. It is as if he wanted to make up for the dissatisfaction the day before.

We ate dinner at a mall afterwards. I love walking with him in the mall. I love acting like his girlfriend.

Zach always made up for the times we can’t be together. There was a weekend when he had to go to a team activity in his office. We fought that time since he didn’t send a single message the whole afternoon and night. And he had to cancel our meeting the next day since their activity will be extending. I gave him the cold shoulder the next day.

The next day, the activity finished and he asked me if he still wanted to meet. I thought about it and finally agreed. On our cuddle session, we talked about shaving my pubic hair the next time we meet. We were very happy, as if we were not having an affair but were true lovers.

Zach treats me like a baby most of the time. I don’t know if this is the result of my childlike ways, but he baby talks me sometimes like I was a fragile little girl. In return, my childish and immature ways are spoilt and I talk to him like, “I still want to play,” or “tell me that ghosts don’t exist or I’ll cry!” He spoiled me in different ways. The age difference of 4 years is magnified to 10 or more years. There was even a time after doing it from one to four in the morning I was so tired I asked him to put my clothes on for me. And he did. He even carried me to stand up.

At times I feel like his rule, “My girlfriend comes first” is not supreme. He chats with me all day even if he works in the same department with his girlfriend. Our chat and text messages consist of sweet words, hugs, and kisses. We go out regularly every week, and I genuinely feel his full attention on me whenever we were together. (Though I find him sneaking to message his girlfriend sometimes, maybe to lie on his whereabouts)

I fell in love with Zach. Actually, I already did since a long time ago. But everyday I love him even more. And I pretend that I’m number one sometimes. It hurts me a lot to think that I’m just a friend/fuck buddy. But alongside being happy whenever with him, comes being super depressed when he’s spending time with his girlfriend. For the past few months my emotions are in a roller coaster ride. When I’m with him it feels like heaven. But after we part and reality sinks in, it feels like hell. Thinking about happy times with him brings me to a state of oblivion, but when thoughts of his girlfriend steps in, I am immediately brought to the grave. I can go from heaven to hell in a split second.

With that, I also feel more and more dissatisfied with my position as number two. I get mad whenever he doesn’t message me for let’s say, four hours. And this is such a big problem whenever he is with his girlfriend. Unlike before, it was okay with me if he doesn’t text all day. But now, it results to fighting.

Zach yields to me most of the time. When I said to him stop saying “catch you later” in his text/chat messages, he stopped. I told him that I feel taken for granted when I hear the word ‘later’. When he was about to get busy with work, he carefully explained to me that he might not be able to message all the time since he would be in meetings etc. But then again, he tried his best to message me every now and then and I appreciate it. I always cheered him with his work. I support him and I see to it that he gets the best encouragement from me.

But sometimes, girls get overly emotional. After doing it on a weekday, he barely talked to me the other day. I was furious. I hated him. Finally, he messaged me at midnight. I already had tantrums and was feeling bitchy that I said, “Just because we just did it doesn’t mean you can take me for granted for another two or three days after the need has gone.”

These words struck a nerve on Zach. He told me that if sex ruins our relationship then we should stop it, and that I should appreciate his efforts of ‘finding every window of opportunity to communicate with me’ in his full schedule. He said a lot of things which made me feel so guilty I called him and said sorry. He said, “Let’s talk about it another time.”

Chapter 10. Sick

I felt as if I could demand things from him after that. I want him to send a text message like every hour. The Monday after, I got mad at him for not sending me a message before going to sleep. I told him, “Let’s split up for good, please let me go.” He called me convincing me that he just fell asleep accidentally, the night before. I said okay and everything was fine again between the two of us.

Three days after, he mentioned that he and his girlfriend will be having a talk to get back together again. I got depressed. I told him, “When things between the two of you are okay again, please don’t bother me anymore.”
“You mean we can’t really be friends?”
“Not for now.”

I paused and thought, hey, why am I being so nice to this guy? He’s just here whenever he needs something, whether it was comfort of a friend, or sex. I should get mad! I bombarded him with hate text messages, saying he was the devil; that he already knew there was a tendency for me to get attached, why did he still do it, etc. I told him to burn in hell, and if only his girlfriend knew what he was, etc.

“It’s like you offered a kid candy that is not for sale,” I told him.

He tried to call me but I rejected all his calls. He said he was very sorry and it was very selfish of him to call without finishing the 21 days deal we had. He thought it was no-strings-attached, but if it would make me feel better he would take the hit, he just wants me to be well. He said, if only he could turn back time, etc. But it also pains him that I said those things. Finally he said, “I had to admit…I was also falling for you.”

You son of a bitch, I thought. I stopped messaging him at that moment. I cried in one of the cubicles in the washroom. I was in the office during that time and I tried my best to keep my sobbing silent so no one will hear. It was a difficult thing to do. Silent screaming.

For one week I was just like a zombie. I would stare into space, then break into tears. Stare into space, break into tears. It was a sick cycle. I couldn’t open up to anyone; what I went through is not something you are proud to share. My position in this whole story is clearly the lowest of all, and I knew it would result to harsh judgments.

To forget Zach, I went to a date with another guy who had been consistently asking me out. But all I can think about during the date was Zach. I didn’t enjoy at all, and I’d rather that I didn’t go to the date at all. It just made me feel more desperate.

One week has passed, I went home. I was alone, and it was raining. I couldn’t take it anymore, I needed him. Maybe, there’s still a chance, maybe I could make him so sexually dependent on me he would choose me over his girlfriend. If he said that he also fell for me, then there must be a chance.

I sent him a message saying I’m sorry and I missed you. He replied, “I’m sorry too and I missed you too, friends?” I said, “okay”. He asked me what I’ve been doing. I said I tried dating but I ended up unhappy because I forced myself into it. He asked more about the details of my date, he was obviously curious. Actually, he always had been curious about the other guys in my life. I have quite a handful, but to me they are all just friends.

The next day he told me he was going to watch my gig with my band Constantine. I had a weekly gig with this band (the one that doesn’t include him). He offered to take me home afterwards. After the gig, he said he wanted to eat together to catch up. When we got in his car, he gestured to hug and we hugged.

He took me home and while parked outside the house, he gestured to hug again. Then we kissed lightly a couple of times, and the kisses turned into one long French kiss. We made out for a while and I reached for his crotch as if automatically. I gave him a blow job while parked outside my house. He came inside my mouth.

After we parted he sent me a text message, concerned if I was mad at him again about the sexual encounter. I said no.

For a week he got sick again, with flu so we couldn’t do it. We scheduled to do it on a Saturday but he had a dinner with his girlfriend’s family, and he had to cancel. He wanted to reschedule it on Friday instead. But the fact that he couldn’t prioritize me hurt me so much that I got so mad. I realize now that I was a fool to hope that he would prioritize me.

Anyway, he called me and tried to woo me by saying sorry, etc. He attempted a conversation a lot of times, but I was very cold to him. After my anger wore off, I tried to reach out to him. But he was the one cold to me this time. Then, I realized that I cannot take his coldness—that I would go crazy, when he shows me that he doesn’t care.

I asked him to stop being cold, and he told me he tried to reconcile but I was cold to him. I apologized and begged him never to be cold to me; I just cannot take the feeling of him being so. He agreed, said he was sorry too, and then we were sweet again. He then asked me if I still wanted to meet that night (Friday) and I said yes. He will be coming from a wedding, so I waited for him late that night. We had three rounds that night.

It’s a wonder how he spends a lot of time with me without arousing the suspicion of his girlfriend. He is probably a good liar. And he probably lied to me a lot too, without me knowing which times. But I think he is transparent to me more or less. He told me a lot of his dark secrets which I think should have dismayed me, but I never judged him. To me, he is perfect.

The fact that he lies to his girlfriend to be with me fed my ego. Actually, he always confided that they fight a lot. He wouldn’t tell me the details but he would say that he is getting tired. Unknowingly, Zach fires up a candle of hope inside me. That eventually they would break up and he would be with me. But still deep inside, I felt it was a far dream and I should stop hoping.